Monthly Archives: December 2015

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Trigger Warning: Mentions of self harm & suicide

2015 was not a good year for me. In 2015, I was lied to, gaslighted and let down by people I thought were friends.  I was given a new mental health diagnosis.  I self-harmed less, but was suicidal more.  

There were good parts in 2015: I helped to raise funds for Bi’s of Colour, I appeared at number 58 on the Independent on Sunday’s Rainbow List, and I stood up for my convictions by standing up against the White lesbian and gay PR machine.

2015 was the year when impossible things happened: a fascist hate group (UKIP) had their gay group as part of London LGBT Pride.  The head of London Pride appeared on the Politics Show laughing at how he managed to get the hate group safely in the parade (by pushing the African lesbian and gay immigration group out of the way).  This is the year that saw me resign from the Community Advisory Board of London Pride (They still haven’t refilled the Black member’s seat).

Other impossible things occurred: The bloody Conservatives got back into power, despite voters knowing how much damage they’ve already done.  We as a country decided the best way to help Syrian refugees was to bomb Syria.  Steven Universe became even better and queerer than ever.  But one of the happiest and most impossible things was being able to meet a bisexual musical icon I have loved since I was thirteen years old.  I met Tom Robinson at the Rainbow List Awards Vodka appreciation ceremony.  He gave me a massive hug, and didn’t mind at all when I threatened to cry on his shoulder with gratitude.

I sincerely hope that 2016 is better than this year, but if it isn’t, at least I’ll have the hug of a lifetime as something next year can never top.

The Shortest Day of the Year

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Because I was touch-starved
For so long, so long
His simple smile, bright face
Held more than friendship:
Much more. So much more.

Because I survived violence and abuse
Fo so long, so long
Crumbs of affection were a three-course meal,
And I could be full again.
More love. So much more.

Because I have felt empty for an age
So long, so long.
A fractured mirror is all I’ve known.
I see myself alone, reflected forever:
So long, so long, so long.