Tag Archives: child abuse

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Lyrics to Walking Wounded, by Everything but the Girl

What do you want from me? Are you trying to punish me? 

Punish me for loving you, punish me for giving to you 

Punish me for nothing I do, punish me for nothing 

You punish me for nothing, for nothing.

I’ve had the same two choices for my entire life: violence or isolation.  To be part of a family or relationship meant pain.  To leave the pain meant loneliness and desolation.  This has always been  the only two roads I could take.  I have lived in this part of London for over twenty years, but I have no local friends at all.  Strangely enough, most Eastenders don’t take well to bisexual, black, disabled survivors.  Most of them seem to think people like me don’t exist at all, and when they discover who and what I am, any outstretched arms of friendship wither away as they step back and keep on going.

Most folk think when I ran away from my family, all the pain stopped.  Some think that time and distance from the abuse and violence has faded, and I am left as an everyday, ordinary person.  Sure I flinch when a cup shatters on the hard floor, or freeze when the rare person tries to hug me, but I must be better by now surely?

The truth is only part of me escaped.  Only part of me survived.

I often wish I were Asexual.  I often wish I could live without sexual desire and all the problems it brings up for me.  But asexual people still have hearts; they have friends they snuggle with, and sensations their skin enjoys.  There is closeness, warmth and comfort that sing them to sleep.  What I want is to feel nothing, to protect myself from being hurt by denying I can feel at all.  This is not asexuality.  This is sadness.

Pic: a piece of beachglass and silver jewellery I made in 2005.

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SPOILERS FOR STAR TREK: DISCOVERY

TRIGGER WARNING: Rape, Sexual Assault, PTSD

Season 1, Episode 9 sees the fictional world of Star Trek Discovery give a visceral view of a real-world issue of male sexual assault and rape, as well as the after effects including Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  When I watched the episode, I was affected by flashbacks of my own past incidents of child sexual abuse, incest, and sexual assault as an adult.  I knew what direction the storyline of the character Ash Tyler (pictured above) would take, but wondered if Star Trek would fully explore the subject.  There have been mentions of sexual assault of major characters in the televised series, most noteably the Next Generation Enterprise’s Head of Security Tasha Yar, in Naked Now (http://memory-alpha.wikia.com/wiki/The_Naked_Now_(episode)) but we don’t (thankfully) see details or flashbacks in such a vivid way.

In Star Trek: Discovery’s ‘Into the Forest I go’ we see the flashbacks of torture and sexual violence that Ash Tyler has survivied for 7 months.  The images are dark and upsetting, but for me the most upsetting thing was hearing him talking to another character, as he explains what happened to him, and what he did to survive.

“I encouraged it.”

As an adult survivor of decades of sexual abuse, the things I learned as a 3-year old stayed with me for years.  I learned how to survive in a physically, sexually and emotionally violent family.  I learned that people were more amenable and less likely to beat me if I offered sex.  I could get food or alcohol when I was strung out or starving if I offered sex.  I could be kept away from even more brutal ‘family friends’ if I offered sex.  No child or adult should ever have to make those decisions to avoid physical pain, yet I learned those lessons so well that it became an automatic response, taking many years to even realise what I was doing.

Star Trek: Discovery is a fictional television show, but the responses and memories it stirred up in me were very real.  It speaks to excellent writing, photography and acting.  I hope that showing a male victim of sexual violence will show others that it can happen to anyone, regardless of gender.  Whether Ash Tyler is human or Klingon in disguise, his reactions and feelings are laid bare during this episode.  I hope it can help bring some understanding on what victims of sexual violence have to do in order to survive, and that there is no shame in these coping mechanisms.  I may have encouraged it, but no rational adult would agree just because a child wanted sex with them.  Consent is an ongoing thing, where all parties involved have to be informed about what’s involved.  A slave can’t truly consent to sex with their master; neither can a prisoner consent to the same.  This goes double for children, especially when the alternative is, as it was for me, a beating, a burning, starvation or being handed off to ‘friend’ instead.

I hope that the character of Ash Tyler is handled in a positive way in the rest of Season One, regardless of who he might really be.  I also hope that this episode and others will get people talking and thinking about a subject that very few even acknowledge.

Online support from a very good forum https://forums.psychcentral.com

A few resources if you’re in the U.K

The Havens (for survivors of all genders)  https://www.thehavens.org.uk

Survivors UK (for male survivors) https://www.survivorsuk.org


A few resources if you’re in the U.S

One in Six (for male survivors) https://1in6.org

RAINN (for survivors of all genders) https://www.rainn.org

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Billie Prime

I’ve changed access to this story – now everyone can read it for FREE!

https://writteninshadows.wordpress.com/2017/03/21/billie-prime/

The story comes as a PDF, so I realise it’s not great for some screen readers.  I’ll try to create other versions in MOBI and Kindle-friendly formats.  But for now, I hope you enjoy my tale. 

Synopsis

Billie has always had a love of science-fiction and fantasy.  His
dreams of aliens take a strange turn when shadows around him start
coming to life to try to communicate with him.  The apparitions continue
when children who say they’re from Billie’s past come to visit him,
making him question his sanity.  When one of the children asks him to
change history, Billie is forced to look at his own legacy of violence
and neglect that he has buried in order to live a normal life.  Billie
has to question the possibility of time travel and the multiverse, in
order to help one of the children escape a terrifying life of abuse.
Billie also has to ask himself if any of this real or is this all in
his head?

You can now read this short story (20,000 words) for FREE.  Survivors
of Child Abuse and violence are likely to be poorer, so I wanted this
to be available to them.  Copy and distribute if you like, but this has a
Creative Commons Non Commercial copyright filed.  Please don’t go
charging folks for reading this!

If you have any comments, feedback or general questions about this
story, please feel free to contact me at billieprime@gmail.com

Regards

Jacq A.

Link

I decided to put the complete zine on surviving child abuse up on this blog for free.  You can download, print and read it.  You can also repost it with Credit to Jacq Applebee.

There is a massive trigger warning – abuse on this zine.  Please be gentle with yourself whilst and after you read it.

Why free?  Survivors of childhood abuse (especially People of Colour) are more likely to experience poverty.  I usually sell this zine, but it is too important a subject for me to keep aside for those able to buy it.  Plus, with many of my followers living outside the U.K, postage costs are prohibitive.  So I hope everyone gets something out of this free resource.

All the best,

Jacq 2016

Zine: That doesn’t happen to black kids!

That doesn’t happen to Black Kids!

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I decided to put the complete zine on surviving child abuse up on this blog for free.  You can download, print and read it.  You can also repost it with Credit to Jacq Applebee.

There is a massive trigger warning – abuse on this zine.  Please be gentle with yourself whilst and after you read it.

Why free?  Survivors of childhood abuse (especially People of Colour) are more likely to experience poverty.  I usually sell this zine, but it is too important a subject for me to keep aside for those able to buy it.  Plus, with many of my followers living outside the U.K, postage costs are prohibitive.  So I hope everyone gets something out of this free resource.

All the best,

Jacq 2016

Surviving CSA zine