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Tanya Davis – How To Be Alone

great video from: oblittw



I have issues about being polyamorous and alone.

Loving more than one person at the same time, with the knowledge and consent of my other lovers doesn’t guarantee that I’ll always have someone with me.  I’ve loved people who have lived hundreds of miles away.  My heart doesn’t comprehend the curvature of the Earth; how distance (and not owning a private jet) meant that in one of my relationships I only saw my lover in person twice in the nine months we were together.  But those two weekends we enjoyed were amazing, and all the letters, phonecalls, postcards and emails that travelled between us meant that I rarely missed him.  The relationship only ended when one of us stopped communicating.  Poly and alone is one thing.  Poly and silent is a whole other bag.

Poly to me, means that even when I’m 200 miles from my girlfriend, or when my boyfriend is asleep next door, I’ll sit on the sofa on my own and feel close to them. The times we are able to share together in the flesh means that when I’m alone I rarely feel lonely.

I feel lonely when I’m around bigoted people, especially when I have something in common with them.  Being ignored, dismissed, or treated badly and no one backing me up is something I’ve experienced an awful lot, and it only adds to sense of isolation I feel.  When I am told that I’m not a proper black by a black person, that I’m not a real woman by a feminist, that I’m sitting on some fence by a queer, I feel totally and utterly alone.  I feel lonely because I feel that I’ll never belong.  I’ll just be a little dot on a big spinning globe.  

Christmas used to make me feel lonely too.  Everyone I knew would trek off to their biological families, and I’d end up on my own.  But something I realised is that I not only share my lovers with their lovers, but when it comes to time and energy, I share them with their relatives too.

Poly doesn’t mean living in a big house with twenty people.  At least it doesn’t mean that to me anymore.  Having a better relationship with myself first, and then with others is what’s important.  So let me be poly and alone sometimes.  It’s not the end of the world.