Overspending and Me

Overspending and Me (originally posted to PillowFort)

Photo by Godisable Jacob on Pexels.com

I have a problem with overspending. I noticed it get significantly worse when I got to grips with an Eating Disorder (Compulsive Binge Eating). It’s like my addict personality moved from one place to another (alcohol, then food, then spending).

I haven’t found much info out there for overspending (or shopaholics) although there seems to be loads for Debtors, which I feel is a different issue. I get a rush of endorphins when I buy something non-essential, like most clothes, handbags, electronics and jewellery.

I’ve also found that I buy a lot of handbags and jewellery because when I go into 99% of shops, they won’t have anything that fits me at all (clothes, shoes & hats). So I get a handbag or a bracelet, just so I don’t feel like a total freak for not being able to buy anything.

Online shopping is a particular problem area for me – I can search for and find online stores that sell Plus Sizes – most of whom don’t have a physical presence on the High Street, or who are based in different countries. One click and the goods are mine… So for the past month, when I see something I want to buy online, I make a note of the product code and enter it into a calendar a week from now. If I still want the item in a week, I can buy it. During this whole period, I haven’t wanted to buy anything I made note of when the week is up. Sometimes just a day will pass, and I’ll realise I don’t want to buy it.

Physical shops are harder (especially charity shops, which rarely have Plus sizes). I find myself just walking into shops without even thinking of it. If they have a sale, I’ll grab a load of items to try on and want to buy. The feeling of having to buy the clothes because who knows when they’ll have my size again?, is a strong force when buying unnecessary items.

Most of the time, shopping feels like I’m making myself feel special, when in fact I’m just wasting what little money I have. Shopping gives me a blissed-out feeling I long for, now that booze and food aren’t doing it for me anymore. Shopping makes me feel like a regular human, because I often feel monstrous.

I honestly want to do better, and in some ways I think I am, but there’s so much more to go. And it’s also depressing as hell at how many feelings shopping gives me that I can’t get anywhere else.