Monthly Archives: March 2017

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That Loving Feeling is Gone

Racist white folks broke my heart.  Power wasn’t just unbalanced in our relationships, it was positively skewed.  My choice of partners for a quick shag, wham bang, see you later, could be wide as I want.  Yet anything else; deeper relationships, down on one knee proposals were for white folks and their polycules alone.

When I realised I could not be Polyamorous in this society, I felt like a failure.  Poly wasn’t something I did – it was who I was.  Had I lied to myself all this time?  Surely love conquers all?  My heartbreak was a brutal crack in the core of my being.  I knew I’d never recover that loving feeling, the full expression of how I navigate sex and relationships.

I’ve experienced racism all my life, yet nothing could have prepared me for racism from people who said they loved me.  I cannot imagine the cognitive tangle of thoughts and actions that lead to such a thing, but down in my bones, I knew I was never seen as a full human to them.  My breasts, my heart and my lips could express my love in acceptable ways, but my skin would forever undermine all of that in their eyes.

I have received white tears, white guilt, but never white respect or action when I was bereft.  I just get silence.

Most of my partners have been white.  My two black boyfriends both put me in hospital, but white partner’s violence was a slow terrible poison.  How could I fight against an assumption?  What moves can combat neglect?  When my every action paints me as the angry black person, what do I do?  How do I react?

Letting go of things hurt, but it means my shoulders no longer slump from the strain of carrying such a heavy load.  I can now walk upright instead of wishing I were taller, less bent over.  My arms and my hands are empty for the first time – empty and open to embrace whatever comes next.  And if nothing comes, I can hold myself.

When white Poly people don’t see People of Colour as human, we become disposable.  We don’t consider the feelings of a piece of paper – we write on it, use it up and when we are done, throw it in the bin and pick up another sheet.  This is what happens to Poly People of Colour.  White folks fetishise us, especially if we are LGBT+ and/or into kink.  We are hypervisible in a sea of white faces, but once we serve our purpose, we are ignored, neglected or mistreated.  We are never primary partners; we are interchangeable and something to add spice to your white vanilla world.

Poly People of Colour are at a disadvantage.  We face many issues that white people never will.  Most of us don’t have the family, money, energy or time resources white people have.  We are more likely to experience domestic violence, sexual assault, poverty and physical/mental issues.  We shouldn’t have to factor in a broken heart to all of the above.

My identity of Poly turned into an identity of trash.  Rejecting the label will lead to yet more isolation for me, but it will be an honest isolation instead of the pretence of community and belonging.  I do not want to be a square on someone’s bingo card of experiences.  I deserve better.

I have so much love to give.  I don’t want to close off my heart because of racism, but what choice do I have?  You may not want to marry me or anyone else, but I ask white Poly people to be upfront and honest with your desires.  Don’t tell me you love me if it isn’t so.  If all you want is a hookup with no contact after, say it.  I may turn you down, but I’ll respect your honesty.  Right now I don’t respect you at all.

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Billie Prime

I’ve changed access to this story – now everyone can read it for FREE!

https://writteninshadows.wordpress.com/2017/03/21/billie-prime/

The story comes as a PDF, so I realise it’s not great for some screen readers.  I’ll try to create other versions in MOBI and Kindle-friendly formats.  But for now, I hope you enjoy my tale. 

Synopsis

Billie has always had a love of science-fiction and fantasy.  His
dreams of aliens take a strange turn when shadows around him start
coming to life to try to communicate with him.  The apparitions continue
when children who say they’re from Billie’s past come to visit him,
making him question his sanity.  When one of the children asks him to
change history, Billie is forced to look at his own legacy of violence
and neglect that he has buried in order to live a normal life.  Billie
has to question the possibility of time travel and the multiverse, in
order to help one of the children escape a terrifying life of abuse.
Billie also has to ask himself if any of this real or is this all in
his head?

You can now read this short story (20,000 words) for FREE.  Survivors
of Child Abuse and violence are likely to be poorer, so I wanted this
to be available to them.  Copy and distribute if you like, but this has a
Creative Commons Non Commercial copyright filed.  Please don’t go
charging folks for reading this!

If you have any comments, feedback or general questions about this
story, please feel free to contact me at billieprime@gmail.com

Regards

Jacq A.

Billie Prime

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IMG_1996Synopsis

Billie has always had a love of science-fiction and fantasy.  His dreams of aliens take a strange turn when shadows around him start coming to life to try to communicate with him.  The apparitions continue when children who say they’re from Billie’s past come to visit him, making him question his sanity.  When one of the children asks him to change history, Billie is forced to look at his own legacy of violence and neglect that he has buried in order to live a normal life.  Billie has to question the possibility of time travel and the multiverse, in order to help one of the children escape a terrifying life of abuse.  Billie also has to ask himself if any of this real or is this all in his head?

You can now read this short story (20,000 words) for FREE.  Survivors of Child Abuse and violence are likely to be poorer, so I wanted this to be available to them.  Copy and distribute if you like, but this has a Creative Commons Non Commercial copyright filed.  Please don’t go charging folks for reading this!

If you have any comments, feedback or general questions about this story, please feel free to contact me at billieprime@gmail.com

Regards

Jacq A.

PDF of Billie Prime 20.03.2017

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womanistgamergirl:

So, I had an idea. A shit idea probably, but an idea nonetheless.

Black bisexual people catch shit from all sides. We get labeled as gay when we come out or told we don’t exist. Black bi men get told they’re the cause of HIV in the Black community because “DL”. Black cishet women are biphobic af (don’t try to deny it). Black bi women are treated as personal sex toys by cishet Black men.

To counter this, I wanted something where Black bisexual individuals could show ourselves being happy and cute and shit because we are. I also want to show all the closeted Black bisexual people and the Black bisexual babies that they aren’t alone. We’re out here and we’re here for you.

So, the last Saturday of this month (the 25th), if you’re Black and bi and wanna participate, post a pic or tell your story using the hashtag #BlackBiBeauty either on here or twitter. Shit, get Facebook involved too. Why the fuck not?

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bisofcolour:

London BiFest is back!!!

http://london.bifest.org

It’s happening on Saturday 8th April 2017.  And good news for al Bisexual People of Colour – WE GET IN FOR FREE!

London Bi Fest is sometimes called a mini BiCon, but it’s a great even just as it is.  There will be workshops, music and fun.  The location has good accessiblility – look at the website for a breakdown of that.

Sessions have already gone up.  There will be a Bi’s of Colour session, where we’ll be giving progress on the upcoming book, plus catching up with all you lovely folks!

So please come along to London BiFest.  If you think you may difficulty of any kind getting to, or attending this event, please contact Bis of Colour at bis.of.colour.gmail.com and we’ll try to help.